1 Moment. 1 Pattern. 1 MicroStep. 1 Question.

1 MOMENT

When siblings are fighting, and it turns physical.

Last week's MicroStep was to lean more toward letting them figure it out on their own (with some guidance).

This time somebody's actually hurt. So stepping aside isn't really fair. But we still can't be the referee in the moment, because refereeing never works (read last week's again for why).

First, to the one still standing: "Back up. Stay right there." Not a punishment, just space, so you can actually see what you're dealing with.

Then you go down to the floor, next to the one who's hurt. "You got hurt. That was scary." You check the arm. You stay there a second longer than feels efficient.

Then, to the other one, still where you put him: "You got so mad you hit. I get it. Still not okay."

That's it.
No trial.
Not yet.

1 PATTERN

A kid who just got hit, or who just hit, is in fight-or-flight, the same state as if a bear were actually chasing them. Their body doesn't know the difference. And nobody can reason their way through anything while they're running from a bear. (Could you?!)

Reasoning, explaining, or sorting it out: none of that works, yet. Containment and safety first.

You just need to make your own decision about which one got injured and then put a stop to it. And that is so much easier when you save figuring it out and coming up with a solution for later. Did you get that? Later.

Which means any talk of repercussions has to wait too.

Later isn't avoidance. It's timing.

1 MICROSTEP

Again, you're not the referee. In this case, think of yourself as the first responder:

Stop the aggressor. "Back up. Stay right there." You're not punishing them and, if possible, don't let them know you're mad. You're just letting them know you've got it under control and they now need to listen to you.

Go to the one who's hurt, first. Something like, "You got hurt. That was scary." You're just making sure they're OK . . . which helps them calm.

Name what happened. "You got so mad you hit your sister." It's a fact, not a judgment.

State the boundary. Once. "Hitting and physically hurting is not okay, for any of us. Ever." You only need to say it once. Saying it more doesn't help it sink in! (Remember, we still have "later.")

Separate them. To make your life easier. To calm them down.

Later. This is when you get your say and when they learn. After dinner, before bed, even tomorrow if you don't have time today: address what happened, hear everyone out, and problem-solve how to do it differently next time.

Waiting is hard. Waiting also works.

1 QUESTION

This week, can you try to stay calm as you go through the steps?

Commit to trying. Give it a go. And share with me what happened.

Until next Tuesday,
Mary